Fishcakes & Ramen
by anjellyfish
Summary: Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district. Then they admitted a several students into their school through a special program. In doing so, the school status crumbled. They blamed it on that boy who smelled like fishcakes & ramen.
1. GO!

**Title:** Fishcakes & Ramen

**Summary:** Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district where the instructors were all award-winning teachers from all over the world. The school was built on 76-acres of lush Hidden Leaf land in which the students occupy forty-four school buildings; including three libraries and learning centers; computer areas and language labs, a physical education facility, and an art facility for grades K-12. Then, through a special "No Kid Left Behind" program, the school admitted several lucky kids into their school for free. As soon as that was done, the school status crumbled. They all blamed it on the special transfer student who smelled like fishcakes and ramen.

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

**A/N:**Warning to all; People will be out of character. If you don't like that, then ok. Good for you (: I don't like OOC-ness for stories that are _supposed_ to have them in character -- but if they are purposely out of character, then it makes a lot of sense.

* * *

**Session 1: GO!!!

* * *

**

Earlier that week, Naruto had received a phone call from a school that he absolutely did not know existed; and even _earlier_, that morning, his maid; Gertrude, had explained to him how wonderful and beautiful that school was.

Sure, he was going to a super cool, super awesome school; but why were they taking him in anyway? Naruto didn't care. It didn't even strike him as odd when he learned that he was being admitted into such a prestigious school.

And with a super cool, super awesome school comes with super cool, super awesome girls. He stared hard at his feet. Another typical fashion crisis, it seemed.

He was not going to be caught **dead** with an out-dated lunch box; or in Naruto's case, a lunch box that was "so yesterday" The last thing he wanted to be was the laughing stock of his new school.

He shook his head solemnly at his most precious lunch box. "No can do, Michelangelo. I don't want the girls to think I'm a total dork!" he explained carefully. "But don't worry! Leonardo and Donatello will protect you from Rafael while I'm away. " he reassured the orange ninja turtle that was posing on the front of the lunchbox and picked up the lunchbox that his mother had recently bought him. He really was a big fan of Cowboy Bebop. To Naruto, Ed was the second most beautiful creature in this world; besides his own mother.

He hastily placed the lunchbox with a picture of Ed's face on the front onto the table and packed it to the brim with two ramen sandwiches, a containers of fishcakes, several sheets of napkins wrapped around a pair of wooden chopsticks and a canteen of miso soup to hydrate him throughout the day.

"Let's go, Ed! School's a-waitin!" and he slung his backpack over his shoulder and carried his new, fashionable lunch box by its handle as if it was a suitcase.

Sasuke was rich, smart, handsome and was also very aware of it. He made it a habit of coming to class late. He could stop at any time -- it was because he really hated the math teacher that he was assigned to -- even though math was his favorite subject. People told him that the tenth grade math teacher was lazy, had an anger problem, and to top things off, he drank and smoke during class.

Sasuke walked down the empty hallway. Everyone was probably in class by now, and maybe if he was lucky, Kiba and Chouji would be in class as well.

He didn't have any big problems at Hidden Leaf Academy, the lunch was delicious, the school was clean, the dropout rate of the school was less than one percent, and everyone was pretty smart. Shikamaru was a genius incognito, Kiba had good grades only because Akamaru was around to tell him the answers, and Chouji was only smart when he had food.

Sometimes, H.L.A. was _too_ boring. An occasional fight would probably keep the school interesting, but nowadays, people were such pussies.

"SASUKE!" a raspy, voice echoed in his ears. Sasuke jolted to a sudden stop and calmly turned his head to a classmate who was still considered to be an acquaintance on his 'relationship scale.'

"What?" he answered back.

"You're late again, Sasuke?!" Kiba barked and shouldered him to continue walking down the hall. "It's the first day back to school too!" he howled in laughter. Sasuke shrugged, trying to keep his nose from wrinkling. Kiba happened to reek of dog piss, apparently. "It doesn't matter if I'm late. I'm _smart_ remember? I don't even need to be here." he scoffed. "Why are _you_ always late?"

Kiba sniffed casually and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "It's a _touchy_ subject, Sasuke. I'd rather we **not**." he said, dramatically. Sasuke groaned. "Do you _shower_, Kiba?!"

Kiba pursed his lips together looking offended. "It ain't _my_ fault that Akamaru's gotta stay curled up in the hood of my jacket!" he snarled, the fangs of his teeth glistened. Sasuke frowned. "What; does he pee in there or something?" he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah." Kiba answered casually and walked on. "So you heard about that program with the free tuition for those lucky bitches?" he asked, changing the subject completely.

Sasuke nodded. "They're all idiots, I bet." he said, with dull eyes. Kiba laughed, a bundle of spit plunged into the side of his cheek. Sasuke flinched slightly and, without trying to offend Kiba again, he pretended to scratch his cheek as he reached over to wipe it off.

"Yeah, they're gonna cock up everything!" he howled, tears cracking at the corners of his eyes. Then the door to their first class opened. "Boys, you're _late_. Get in." Their professor said, sternly. Their math professor was a tall, tanned man with brown hair and a short beard. Like usual, he had a cigarette between his lips, and he was smoking it. "_Someone_'s got a zucchini up their ass." Kiba spat out and made his way inside.

Sasuke glared coldly at his teacher and scoffed. "Maybe if you'd quit smoking, Asuma-sensei, we'd actually be willing to come to class on time." he walked inside and arched a brow at the boy who stood in front of the room.

For some reason, Sasuke knew he was an idiot. Asuma groaned as he shut the door. "Everyone, this is the new student from that special No Kid Left Behind program. Naruto Uzumaki; introduce yourself to the class." he lazily waved his hand in the air.

Naruto snickered. "You already took care of that for me, Asuma-sensei!" he exclaimed. Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Are you being _wise_ with me, little boy?" he questioned in a dangerously sarcastic tone. Naruto blushed. "That's the first time anyone has ever called me 'wise'! Thank you sensei!" he beamed.

Asuma groaned. "What a drag, teaching these brats. Why don't you all get comfortable with each other today, huh? Make new friends, mingle around, get pregnant, WHATEVER!" he threw his arms in the air and popped the lid off a large bottle of sake.

Naruto paused, trying to take in all this information at once and finally, he laughed. "How great is this guy? Asuma-sensei's so awesome!" He exclaimed, loudly.

"But Naruto," a boy with large, buggy eyes spoke up. "Asuma-sensei does not show any examples of the way to youth." he said, as-a-matter-of-factly.

Naruto took one look at the boy and screamed. "HOLY CRAP! You have fuzzy caterpillars on your freaking face!" he said, drilling his index finger into the poor boy's forehead. "What?! AHHH!" the boy got up hastily and brushed his hands violent against his face.

"That's just his eye brows." a girl exclaimed to Naruto. "Thick eyebrows are a sign of immense youth, apparently." she added, rolling her eyes at the boy in green. "Rock Lee, calm down! Nothing's on your face!"

"Are you sure, Tenten?!" Rock Lee whimpered, pushing his lower lip out. Tenten winced. "Yeah, yeah, Lee! I'm sure! Don't pout like that, it's indecent!" she pushed his face away in disgust.

"You're name's Rock Lee?!" Naruto gasped in awe. Rock Lee straightened his back and nodded. "It is so." he replied. Naruto gasped again. "Are you related to Bruce Lee?!"

Rock Lee arched a bushy brow for a moment and flashed a youthful grin. "Well, he and I are actually-"

"No." A long haired boy cut him off. "They are, in no way, related to each other." he glanced dully at the boy with an unfavorable hair cut and thick brows. Tenten chuckled. "That's Neji and this is Rock Lee." she exclaimed, gesturing at the two boys. "I'm Tenten, welcome to Hidden Leaf Academy, Naruto." she smiled.

"Thanks, Tenten!" Naruto replied, flashing her a toothy grin. "Dude!" a loud voice breathed over his shoulder. "You like Cowboy Bebop?!" Naruto immediately turned around and nodded. "Ed's such a babe, ain't she?" he squealed.

The chubby boy nodded. "Totally, man! By the way, my name's Chouji." he grinned, his cheeks balling up into lumps under his eyes.

"I'm Naruto," he replied, but pointed at Asuma with his thumb. "But Asuma-sensei already took care of that for me, didn't he?" he said, The corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled.

"Oh lord, Naruto. Will you shut up?" Asuma groaned, feeling a head ache coming on. At this point, he'd rather have a hangover. "You're the best, sensei!" Naruto flashed him a grin and turned his attention back to Tenten, Neji, Rock Lee, and Chouji.

"Hey guys, since I'm the new kid here, would you mind helping me out?" he clasped his hands together and grinned sheepishly. "I wanna make friends!"

"That's easy!" Tenten exclaimed. "Just be yourself and introduce yourself to other people! Try talking to those guys over there!" she said, pointing at a boy with raven blue hair and a bunch of other boys sitting around him, all engaged in a conversation.

Neji chuckled under his breath. "You're mean, Tenten." he mumbled, playfully. "Shh!" Tenten eyed him, jokingly. "C'mon, Tenten! Give him a break! He's the _new guy_. You shouldn't play pranks on the new kid so early in the day!" Chouji exclaimed, persistently.

"Don't be an asshole, Chouji." Neji glared. Rock Lee furrowed his eyebrows together. "That is mean, Tenten." he frowned as well. "Naruto seems like a nice guy. We should not play such tricks on him."

"Dude, if you want to make it out of school with your fuzzy caterpillars still intact, then you'd better keep your mouth shut." Neji warned, sharply glaring at his friend.

Naruto scurried over to the set of boys and stood there with a silly grin on his face. "Hi! My name's Naruto Uzumaki," and he pointed at Asuma with his thumb. "But Asuma-sensei already took care of that for me, didn't he?"

"Naruto, I won't say it again. Please shut up." Came a faint voice from the front of the room.

"You're the best, sensei!" Naruto grinned.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and Kiba briefly snarled. Shikamaru lazily raised his hand in the air and gestured him to leave. "We're busy kid. Don't talk to us." he yawned. Naruto's eyes lit up. "Really? Can I play too?" he asked, bouncing in place. Sasuke arched a brow. "Kid, just leave. We don't want to play with the likes of you." he said, rudely.

Naruto frowned. "I don't know why you're calling me a kid for. You're not much older than I am, you fucker." he huffed and pointed at Shikamaru. "And just 'cause you look old doesn't mean you can go around crushing the youthful people's hopes." he snapped and briefly snorted at Kiba. "You smell like wet dog." and he stalked off back to the four snickering kids.

"Totally not what I expected." Chouji muttered, with a slight grin. Neji chuckled. "I expected to see him cry after what Sasuke said." he exclaimed.

"Well guys, thanks a lot!" Naruto sarcastically rolled his eyes. "You introduced me to a bunch of ass wipes." he huffed under his breath and he cast a side glance at Sasuke.

The first lesson to learn at Hidden Leaf Academy, was to never fuck around with Sasuke. During lunch, Shikamaru had tricked Naruto into walking with him to an empty lot at school -- which was pretty easy. Afterwards, Sasuke and Kiba gave him a serious licking.

To top things off, Shikamaru broadcasted the entire incident for the whole school to watch on the big screen televisions around the school. While getting beaten up, Naruto could hear faint, but very audible sound of people cheering. "GO!!! GO!!!" he heard people chant.

It really was such a bad first day of school. It was the first time a thing like this ever happened, and besides that, they were all cheering for Sasuke.

He even took Ed away from Naruto.


	2. Boy Incognito

**Title:** Fishcakes & Ramen

**Summary:** Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district where the instructors were all award-winning teachers from all over the world. The school was built on 76-acres of lush Hidden Leaf land in which the students occupy forty-four school buildings; including three libraries and learning centers; computer areas and language labs, a physical education facility, and an art facility for grades K-12. Then, through a special "No Kid Left Behind" program, the school admitted several lucky kids into their school for free. As soon as that was done, the school status crumbled. They all blamed it on the special transfer student who smelled like fishcakes and ramen.

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

**A/N:**Warning to all; People will be out of character. If you don't like that, then ok. Good for you (: I don't like OOC-ness for stories that are _supposed_ to have them _in_ character -- but if they are purposely out of character, then it makes a lot of sense.

* * *

Session 2: A Boy Incognito

* * *

Haku was poor. His adoptive father was a gang-member to a group of bad-ass street fighters. The only reason why he lived with an abundant amount of material wealth was because his father stole it all.

And when Haku learned that he was to attend Hidden Leaf Academy, he went insane with joy. You can't steal your way into a super cool, super awesome school, after all.

The only thing he ever really worried about when meeting new people, was being assumed as a girl. Being mistaken as a girl was very common with people his age, right? It didn't matter what gender people thought he was -- what _did_ matter, was the reactions he got when people found out that he was actually a boy.

He'd suffered from rejection and discriminating comments from his "friends"

He could plaintively remember back in middle school -- when his best friend confessed to him. The boy looked at Haku with a special gleam in his eyes, and said, "I like you, Haku." to which Haku awkwardly replied in stating that he was not gay. Then, shocked, the boy questioned Haku's gender, to which Haku casually pulled his pants down just enough to reveal the object of his manhood. Haku's "best friend" ran away, and never looked at him once after that incident.

This time, it will be different. New school, new friends, new… teachers? He was going to let the world know that Haku Momochi was a **boy**.

For his first class of the day, his professor was a strange man with an even stranger sense of fashion. He wore a cotton blend trench cap, and a short, dark, double breasted trench coat over a navy turtle neck sweater.

His sweater covered most of his mouth, so his speech was a little muffled -- mostly when he swore -- and his cap always hid his left eye from public view.

No one really talked to him during class. All the pretty girls just whispered about how small his breasts were -- even though he, himself was not a girl. The little kids from the lower levels of the academy had even called out to him with compliments such as, "You're pretty, miss!" or "Hey, lady! You're awfully pretty!"

He couldn't let them know that he was a boy just yet. Today was not the day, he decided. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after, perhaps.

Later that day, during lunch, Haku watched Kiba and Sasuke beating up a blonde-haired boy. From the looks of it, that boy probably had no friends ; they could definitely relate to one another.

-

-

-

"Hey, you ok?" Haku asked, quietly approaching the blonde boy wonder. Naruto groaned. "Those guys are total ass wipes. Take note of this; I WILL GET BACK AT THEM." Naruto shouted, shaking his fists in fury and turning around to Haku. "Oh." Naruto froze. "Gee, you're really pretty." he grinned, sheepishly and scratched the back of his head.

Haku frowned. "I'm insulted. What if I called _you_ 'pretty' huh?" he snapped. Naruto arched a brow. "What? But I'm a _boy_-"

"So what?" Haku cut him off with his quick tongue. "Me too."

Naruto took a step forward to analyze Haku's face and then took a step back to analyze Haku's figure; all with a look of shock. "Woah! You're prettier than most of the girls in town!" he flashed a grin, but rubbed his chin suspiciously. "Are you _sure _you're not fucking around?" he eyed Haku from head to toe.

"I'm not," Haku replied, irritated and cleared his throat. "Well, since we've no friends, it's best for the two of us to stick together." he suggested. "And in that way, I can help you extract your revenge on those boys." Haku added, grinning casually. Naruto nodded. "Oh yes! Thank you, friend." he said, shaking Haku's hand.

"My name's Haku Momochi." Haku replied, dryly. Naruto grinned. "Haku Momochi: My first friend ever." he stated, with a look of satisfaction. "I like that, I like that."

Haku rolled his eyes. "So do you have any ideas on getting back at them?" he questioned. Naruto frowned. "It kind of involves you to pretend to be a girl." he braced himself, thinking that Haku was about to smack him. Haku grinned. "I'm a professional at that." he winked, causing Naruto to blush, just a little.

This was probably the beginning of a weird, new friendship.

* * *

A/N: Second chapter! Haku is finally introduced and he is the other no kid left behind transfer student! In the anime/manga, Haku is a little more shy and conserved, but I feel that pulling pranks on people would compliment his looks very well! (: and tys to my first reviewer; although, you don't really count. Please look forward to the future chapters 'cause they'll start to actually be more funny & please review. It'd be nice to know that people actually read my work -- it can be compliments or critique -- doesn't really matter.

& to my first reviewer:

"Destroy you" (:


	3. Baby Penis

**Title:** Fishcakes & Ramen

**Summary:** Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district where the instructors were all award-winning teachers from all over the world. The school was built on 76-acres of lush Hidden Leaf land in which the students occupy forty-four school buildings; including three libraries and learning centers; computer areas and language labs, a physical education facility, and an art facility for grades K-12. Then, through a special "No Kid Left Behind" program, the school admitted several lucky kids into their school for free. As soon as that was done, the school status crumbled. They all blamed it on the special transfer student who smelled like fishcakes and ramen.

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

**A/N:**Warning to all; People will be out of character. If you don't like that, then ok. Good for you (: I don't like OOC-ness for stories that are _supposed_ to have them _in_ character -- but if they are purposely out of character, then it makes a lot of sense.

* * *

Session 3: Baby Penis

* * *

He finally made a friend -- and together, they were "Naruto and Haku" it should have been "Haku and Naruto" since Haku claimed that 'H' came before 'N' but Naruto was already on the verge of wetting himself; both on his cheeks and from out of his "peepee"

"Fine, Naruto!" Haku huffed, and folded his arms firmly over his chest. "Together, we are Naruto and Haku!" he said, in a tone that would satisfy his new friend. Naruto sniffled. "You mean it, Haku?"

"Sure." Haku replied, grimly. "Just don't pee here. Geez, you're going to embarrass yourself on the first day of school-"

"I think Shikamaru, Kiba, and Sasuke took care of that already." Naruto growled, baring his teeth. Haku rolled his eyes. "Well, hurry back. We have to come up with a plan before lunch is over." he waved his hand lazily in the air, motioning for him to leave.

"I'll be right back!" Naruto yelled over his shoulder as he headed quickly for the nearest bathroom. He stumbled down the hall as if he were drunk, but quickly spotted Tenten in front of her locker and went over to ask where the bathroom was when he decided that he couldn't locate the bathroom himself.

"Tententententententententen-"

"Naruto! Stop yelling!" Tenten winced. "What's wrong?" she asked with a look of hesitation on her face. "Take me to the bathroom." he simply replied. Tenten huffed haughtily, but attempted to point in the direction of the nearest bathroom when a boy nudged her shoulder and cut her off.

"It's all the way at the end of this hall. You'll see the janitor's closet -- next to it, there should be the men's restroom." the boy replied, calmly. Tenten's eyes widened.

Naruto bounced; his bladder feeling like it was going to explode, but he bowed politely and thanked the boy and headed down the hall. Tenten turned to her friend in shock. "But that's the haunted one!" she pointed out.

"As if I didn't know that already, Tenten." he replied. Tenten paused and sighed with a smile. "You're an evil monster, Gaara." she teased. "You're the one who influenced him to talk to Sasuke." he reminded. "Which resulted in school-wide humiliation." he added, shortly after.

-

-

-

Naruto spotted the janitor's closet, and next to it; the bathroom. "Oh boy!" he cheered to himself, and ran inside. The bathroom was very big, and very clean; just as expected from an exclusive private school. The urinals were shiny and clean and were wide enough for a fat person to sit in. He liked it a lot.

He unzipped his pants and begun his business. "Ahhh…" Naruto sighed in relief. A few seconds into pissing, he felt like someone was standing behind him. It didn't seem like anything at first, but he started to panic when he felt someone breathing down his neck.

"Everything's gonna be all right~" Naruto sang nervously and he zipped up, proceeding to leave when he bumped into something.

Naruto screamed, his voice pierced through the walls of the bathroom and echoed throughout the entire school. In the hallway, heading towards the café facility, Tenten sickered after Gaara commented on how girly Naruto screamed.

"Keep your mouth shut, you big baby."

Naruto immediately stopped and arched a brow. "_What_?" he snorted with an air of arrogance. Standing before Naruto, was a boy who was a few inches taller than he was. His hair framed his pale face and his face had a cold and distant expression.

"You can't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" the boy folded his arms over his chest. "Shall I present you with a dictionary? Do you want me to look up the word 'vagina' and compare it with yours?" he asked, rudely.

Naruto fumed. "I'm a freakin' boy! Quit pissing me off!" he gritted his teeth and balled his hands into fists.

The boy scoffed. "With that baby penis of yours? I refuse to believe that you are of the male species."

"Don't be an asshole." Naruto warned. "And what were you doing in here anyway?" a jolt of curiosity drove him to ask. The boy casually shrugged. "I got lost walking to my first class today, then this cockroach started chasing me. I took shelter in this bathroom; I've never come out of here ever since." he explained.

"Woah…" Naruto sighed in awe. "I feel you, man." he nodded, as if he could relate. "My name's Sai. What's yours?" the boy promptly introduced himself.

"I'm Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto replied. "If you had trouble finding your class, then you're new here, right?"

Sai nodded. "Yeah. They took me in as part of this No Kid Left Behind program." he casually replied. Naruto's eyes lit up. "Me too!" he exclaimed, excitedly. "Hey, since we're both new, we should stick toge-"

"No." Sai replied abruptly.

Naruto whimpered. "Aw, c'mon! How else can you make friends? Here, come with me -- I'll introduce you to a guy who's just like us." he insisted and pulled on the collar of his sleeve. Sai frowned. "I'm not stupid like you." he said, but allowed Naruto to drag him out of the bathroom.

-

-

-

Already on the verge of death by boredom, Haku found a large, white sports truck that was parked in the middle of the empty lot and fit himself comfortably inside, whistling to the tune of "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat"

Suddenly, he could hear Naruto calling out to him. Haku responded with a "I'm in the white truck, Naruto!" and he stood up and waved his hands in the air. Sai pointed in shock at the crazy kid who was flailing his arms around. "Is that the guy you were talking about?" he asked. Naruto looked in the direction he was pointing at and grinned. "Haku! I've recruited someone!" he exclaimed, obviously overjoyed.

Naruto dragged Sai closer and closer to the white truck and urged him to get in. "Are you sure about this?" Sai looked unsure. "This is someone else's truck. What if we get into trouble?"

"Don't be a pussy, Sai." Naruto teased and hopped inside, making his seat next to Haku. Sai groaned and sat across from Haku and Naruto.

"I'm Haku Momochi." Haku said, introducing himself. "And your name is Sai, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Correct." Sai nodded. "I'm the other NKLB student. Pleased to meet you." he bowed slightly. Naruto turned to Haku eagerly. "I met him in the bathroom earlier. I was thinking that the three of us could combine forces and take revenge on those guys!" he suggested. Sai arched a brow. "Revenge? You want to extract revenge on someone?"

Haku cocked his head to the side in curiosity. "Yeah. Sasuke, Kiba, and Shikamaru publicly humiliated him and he wants to get back at them." he wondered what could be going on in that mind of his. He looked mischievous, after all.

"I think I'd like to help you two." Sai exclaimed, with a hint of a smirk on his lips. Then, he gestured for them to lean in, and he began to tell them, in a low voice, the plan that would begin the downgrade of Hidden Leaf Academy's spotless status.

* * *

A/N: Third chappie!! I hope you like it. I'll post the next chapter sometime next week, hopefully. I hope you enjoyed it, and please give me some feedback. Even if it's short, it still makes me happy to know that I have a reason for continuing this fic. Look forward to the next chapter! (:


	4. Naruto's Revenge Pt I: Kiba's Itch

**Title:** Fishcakes & Ramen

**Summary:** Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district where the instructors were all award-winning teachers from all over the world. The school was built on 76-acres of lush Hidden Leaf land in which the students occupy forty-four school buildings; including three libraries and learning centers; computer areas and language labs, a physical education facility, and an art facility for grades K-12. Then, through a special "No Kid Left Behind" program, the school admitted several lucky kids into their school for free. As soon as that was done, the school status crumbled. They all blamed it on the special transfer student who smelled like fishcakes and ramen.

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Naruto, I WANT to own Shikamaru3 I have a newfangled respect for him (& Kiba too) I certainly don't want to own Orochimaru though. That guy seriously doesn't need to take his sexual frustrations out on poor boys from Konoha. First he tries for Itachi and now Sasuke? Dude, c'mon…

**A/N:**Here's chapter 4! Ignore the grammar/spelling errors. I've noticed that people have added this on their favorites and yet, no reviews -- which kinda sucks but it's ok. I'll be patient. (:

* * *

Session 4: Naruto's Revenge Pt. 1 - Kiba's Itch

* * *

"I've spotted the location of our target." Haku spoke calmly into the mic of his ear piece as he continued to spy on Kiba from behind a small creak in the doorway. "He's in the planetarium dome behind language Lab A. Do you read me Baby Dick?" he nearly snorted, trying to suppress his laugh.

"I read ya…" Naruto replied, grimly into his mic. "Why do _I_ have to be called '_Baby Dick_'? Why not another code name?" he whined, causing Haku to smirk. Sai scoffed. "Our code names have to _match_ us." he explained. Naruto whimpered in irritation. "Then how come _you_ guys don't have any code names?" he began listing reasons on how they had always been treating him unfairly.

"It's been like this ever since!" he complained, violently kicking the doorknob off the handle of a door that Naruto assumed to be a classroom. For a moment, they were all silent. And then Naruto could hear Sai and Haku snickering quietly on the other end of the line. "What's so funny about expressing my feelings?! I thought you guys were supposed to be my friends!" he growled, waving his arms uncontrollably in the air.

"_It's been like this ever since_? That doesn't make any sense! We've only met earlier today." Haku reminded. Naruto flushed red. "Well 'earlier today' was a long time ago, now shut up and keep waiting until me and Sai get to the planetarium!" he growled and switched his mic off.

Sai quietly chuckled to himself as he left the art facility. "Hey, Haku. While you're waiting, put on the skirt." he nearly snorted. Haku huffed. "Curse my pretty face." he clutched his cheek firmly and pulled out a skirt that he had stolen from a girl in the locker room. Haku looked around, scanning the area for people and made sure that no one would be able to watch him change out of his pants and into a skirt.

He huffed and quickly pulled his pants down, though, he had quite some trouble pulling his feet out from the tight seams of his jeans. He flung his pants off a few feet away with a flick of his right foot and steadily pulled the skirt up around his waist. Haku sighed, wiping the sweat off his forehead and reached under his skirt to adjust his underwear when-

"Wait!" a raspy voice whispered, not too far behind him.

Haku slowly turned around and nearly jumped back in shock. "Lemme' see your underwear." Naruto's face was concentrated. Haku had never seen Naruto with such an expression; but then again, he had only met Naruto earlier during the day. Without questioning him, Haku slowly pulled his skirt down, revealing just a peek of what was underneath. Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Sir Ulrich von…Lichtenstein the third…" he read off of the waistband of Haku's underwear; his face of concentration twisted into confusion. "Who the hell is that?"

Haku mumbled a few curse words under his breath before he replied. "My step-dad gives me brand name underwear." he admitted. Naruto watched Haku adjust his skirt according to how Sai said it should look like and then he threw Haku a thumbs up. "You're dad's so awesome!" he said, in awe.

A rustling of leaves were heard not too far from behind Naruto and the two boys turned to see Sai making his entrance, his hand planted firmly on his hips as he waltzed towards the two. "So it seems the dog-boy likes taking baby naps in the planetarium." Sai shifted his gaze to Haku and nodded slightly. "You know what to do, hm?"

Haku nodded in response and fixed his hair, reluctantly trying to look more feminine. Naruto covered his mouth, trying to muffle out the sound of his snickers. Haku threw him a dirty glare and walked quietly inside, making his way towards Kiba, carefully. Haku paused and analyzed the rising of Kiba's shoulders as he slept.

"He's _sleeping_!" Haku shouted in a whisper at his two friends observing at the doorway. Sai and Naruto each cocked their heads in unison and turned to one another with puzzled faces. They gave each other knowing looks and nodded.

They cupped their hands around their mouths and barked as loud as they could, causing Haku to flinch. "What the fuck?!" Haku nearly fell onto Kiba and he looked around frantically for a good place to hide.

"Huh?!" Kiba had already woken up, a hint of sleep was still caught in his eyes, but he'd already realized that Haku was standing next to him. "Who the hell are you?!" Kiba barked, wiping the drool off the corners of his lips. Haku inwardly cursed to himself and sneaked a glance towards the door where Sai and Naruto had been standing, only to find that they had scrambled away from the premises.

Haku sighed and gave Kiba a loving look. Kiba flinched, a streak of red graced his cheeks. "I'm sorry to bother you. I was just curious as to what this place was." Haku explained. "May I know your name?"

Kiba grinned and scratched the back of his head. "I'm Kiba Inuzuka and," he pulled a small white puppy from the hood of his jacket and presented him to Haku. "This is my dog, Akumaru." Akumaru calmly sniffed the air surround Haku and barked as if accepting him.

"So what's _yours_?" Kiba asked, setting Akumaru down and shifted a seat to the side, allowing Haku to sit next to him. Haku smiled sweetly and made himself comfortable in the seat that Kiba had slept in, considering that it was now warm and smelled like wet dog, Haku gladly accepted anyway.

"I'm Haruka Kamui." Haku finally introduced himself, blurting out the first girly name he could think of at the time. Kiba wiped his nose with the back of his hand and bared his teeth with a wide grin. "Nice name." he complimented. "So, Haruka. Why haven't I seen you around here before?" he questioned.

"I'm the other program transfer student." he replied, casually. Haku could hear Naruto and Sai chuckling from his ear piece; he was about to storm out of the planetarium to smack those two unconscious if it hadn't been for Sai, who slapped Naruto and demanded him to 'shut the hell up, baby dick'

Haku chuckled under his breath, completely forgetting that he was supposed to pretend to be a girl. Kiba arched a brow. "Hey, are you sick or something?" he asked, leaning over to examine Haku's face. Haku shook his head nervously. "I'm fine, Kiba. No need to worry." he smiled, reassuring him that everything was ok. Akumaru whimpered, trying to gain his master's attention. Kiba cocked his head to the side and scooped his dog and brought him onto his lap. "What's wrong Akumaru?"

"It seems that your friend has fleas." Haku exclaimed and circled his finger along the palm of his hand before dropping an herbal cream into his palm. "Here. For Akumaru." he smiled politely as Kiba glanced at Haku in awe. "Geez, thanks, Haruka." he clutched Haku's gift tightly and sniffed. "You're a good friend."

"So are you." Haku added and kissed Kiba on both cheeks. "Thank you, Kiba." he stated and stood up, leaving a shocked Kiba and a clueless Akumaru behind.

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Haku nearly broke his legs, quickening his pace, trying to leave Kiba as fast as he could before he could call out after him. And finally, he was outside, greeted with two faces that he really wanted to punch. "Screw you guys, I almost died in there." Haku growled, changing out of the skirt and into his regular attire. Naruto snickered. "That was pretty easy, huh? All you did was act like yourself!" he raised his hand, as if he was going to slap Haku playfully on the shoulder.

Haku flinched. Naruto swung his hand and narrowly missed Haku's shoulder; instead, he slapped his knee playfully. Haku narrowed his eyes and groaned. Naruto laughed even louder, seeing that he had made Haku flinch. "You thought I was going to slap you, didn't you?" and he repeated the same gesture, which in turn, earned him a punch from Haku's fist.

Sai folded his arms over his chest and cleared his throat. "So did you get the skin pigment cream on his face?" he questioned. Haku nodded and shuddered. "Yeah. Both sides of his cheeks." he spat at Naruto's feet and wiped his lips in pure disgust. "His cheeks should be having an allergic reaction later on." Sai exclaimed with a tone of excitement and patted Naruto and Sai on the back as a job well done. "Good improvisation, Haku." he smiled, sweetly and turned to Naruto.

"Nice work, Baby Penis."

Naruto grumbled. Sai was never going to let this live down.

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**A/N:** My laptop got a virus. __ I've been so depressed and on top of that, I'm sick. D: Lots of bad thing happened all in one day. Well, at least I've finished. (: There will be 3 more parts to Naruto's Revenge (I think) xD I plan to update a new chapter every week. Also, I plan to buy a new laptop by the start of summer vacation. Hopefully my mom will get me one! OH! And please don't forget to review (: THANK YOU and please look foward to the next chapter.


	5. Revenge Pt II: Shikamaru's Propaganda

**Title:** Fishcakes & Ramen

**Summary:** Hidden Leaf Academy was the most prestigious school in the district where the instructors were all award-winning teachers from all over the world. The school was built on 76-acres of lush Hidden Leaf land in which the students occupy forty-four school buildings; including three libraries and learning centers; computer areas and language labs, a physical education facility, and an art facility for grades K-12. Then, through a special "No Kid Left Behind" program, the school admitted several lucky kids into their school for free. As soon as that was done, the school status crumbled. They all blamed it on the special transfer student who smelled like fishcakes and ramen.

**Genre:** Humor/Friendship

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Naruto. If I did, Haku and Zabuza would have stayed alive.

**A/N:**__Here's chapter 4! I've noticed that people have added this on their favorites and yet, no reviews -- which kinda sucks but it's ok. I'll be patient. (:

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Session 5: Naruto's Revenge Pt. 2: Shikamaru's Propaganda

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It didn't occur to Shikamaru that he'd actually get into a situation such as the one he was in right now. A propaganda was what he called it. Simple-minded idiots like Naruto simply called it "rumors".

"I _didn't _say _anything_ about you!" Shikamaru sighed with a disgruntled look on his face. He lazily scratched his head and groaned. "This is just a total drag!" he said, cursing under his breath. An upset Chouji, whose face was blooming into different shades of red, spat at Shikamaru's feet. "You're so absolutely _pathetic_! How could you spread rumors about such an innocent person like _I_?" he arrogantly pointed at himself by jabbing his thumb into his chest.

Shikamaru looked at his feet, where Chouji had spat. "Learn how to speak properly first." he mumbled, scratching his cheek with his middle finger, a reflex he would do when he was mad and wanted to give someone the rude finger. Chouji scoffed. "Just give me an apology and say 'sorry' Shikamaru!" he demanded, hastily and planted his hands on his waist.

"Saying sorry and giving an apology are the same thing, you dumb fat-ass!" he finally snapped. "_What_?!" Chouji took a step back in surprise. "I just wanted you to apologize, dammit!" he stammered, his knees buckling under pressure. Shikamaru rolled his eyes, as if not caring anymore. "What rumor did I start anyway?" he asked. "It's probably true since _I'm_ the one who started it." he quickly added with a hint of sarcasm.

The crease across Chouji's forehead grew deeper as his frown widened. "I HATE YOU!" he screamed in a high pitched voice and ran in the other direction. Naurto who had just happened to witness this altercation, innocently walked up to Shikamaru and questioned him about what had happened.

Shikamaru scratched his head. "A secret propaganda." he answered, knowing that Naruto wouldn't be able to understand. "Huh?" was all he said. The puzzled look on his face was truly pathetic. "It's a secret rumor, Naruto. Chouji thinks that I spread a lie about him." he explained, slowly. "The person who spread this rumor about Chouji is a secret, but they all say that I did it, and now he's being a fat dick about it."

"Ah, yes. Fat dick; I see, I see." Naruto nodded, rubbing his chin in contemplation. "Perhaps beating him up is required?" he suggested. Shikamaru narrowed his eyes and stared at Naruto, sharply examining him. "Don't try to sound smart. It doesn't suit you at all." he rudely commented and shook his head. "I can't just beat him up. He's the family guy of the school. Everyone likes his company, though there are a few exceptions." he ran his fingers over his slick hairline.

"I don't think he's funny, he's pretty annoying, and no one wants to say that he's fat, when obviously, he is. I don't know why Kiba likes to listen to his jokes. Sasuke even says that there's nothing wrong with him; Chouji's pathetic! Why can't anyone see that about him?" He shoved his hands into his pockets and slowly walked down the empty hall way.

"Speaking of Kiba and Sasuke; where are they?" Naruto quickly caught up to him. Shikamaru simply shrugged. "Lunch time is our alone time. Kiba goes off to nap somewhere and Sasuke is probably reading a book. I was supposed to be watching the clouds on the small hill behind the primary buildings, but Chouji stopped me." he muttered, his voice raspy from groaning too much.

"There's a hill behind the level one buildings?" Naruto was in shock. "I didn't know that! Can I go there?" he gave him a sheepish grin. Shikamaru narrowed his eyes again. "That's _my_ hill. It's off-limits to everyone; especially you." he snapped, violently. Naruto pursed his lower lip out and folded his arms over his chest. "_Your_ hill? What; is your name on it or something?" he asked, rudely.

"As a matter of fact," Shikamaru replied, casually. "Yeah, there is." he smirked when he saw the corners of Naruto's lips frown slightly. "I'd show it to you, but you can't take so much as one step on my hill." he rolled his eyes and continued walking down the hall.

Someone behind Naruto had called out to Shikamaru in distress. Naruto flinched as Kiba roughly shoved him aside as he ran past him. "Shikamaru! Look at this;" he pulled his furry hood off and shoved his face in front of Shikamaru's eyes. Shikamaru flinched and let out a long, disgusted, groan. "Oh lord, what the hell happened?!" he said, leaning back as he firmly pushed Kiba away with his hands on his shoulders.

Kiba growled. "Help me, Shikamaru! It itches!" he shifted uncontrollably in his friend's grip. "It's probably a rash! Go buy some itch cream and don't bother me about this ever again!" he shoved him away and walked towards his next class. "Lunch is almost over, just go ask the nurse to look at it." he suggested and walked inside, only to see that Chouji was sitting at a desk in the middle of the room with his head on the table; possibly crying.

"Fuck." Shikamaru inwardly cursed and sat at the back corner of the room. Chouji seemed to notice that he had come inside and sobbed harder. Shikamaru snorted "I'm not here to apologize, so quit crying, you fat-ass." he supported his head on the palm of his hand and leaned on his elbow.

Outside the classroom, Kiba stood in the middle of the hall, whimpering to his dog. Haku and Sai appeared, coming out from a classroom and quickly walked over to Naruto, with low, hushed voices, they discussed their plan.

"So how did it go?" Haku asked, fully aware of Kiba's presence behind them. Naruto gave him a thumbs up. "I told everyone about the rumor that _Shikamaru_ spread, and Chouji thinks it was him who started it." he quietly laughed.

"Good, now let's move on to phase two." Sai instructed and cleared his voice. "So did you hear about Shikamaru's girlfriend?" Sai said, loudly, making sure Kiba had heard. Kiba's ears perked up. "Chouji said that his girlfriend was the ugliest creature in this world." he stated, very clearly.

Kiba straightened his posture as if it helped him listen in on their conversation better. "Who's Shikamaru's girlfriend?" Haku asked, looking at both Naruto and Sai. "Chouji told me that Ino and Shikamaru are together." Naruto exclaimed. "During my first class today, he gave me information on everyone." he exclaimed, a little _too_ loudly, which earned him a smack from Sai. Sai raised his index finger to his lips and gestured him to keep quiet.

"Well, I don't know why Chouji called Ino ugly. She's actually not so bad looking. He's jealous, perhaps?" he suggested. Haku shook his head. "I don't think so. He doesn't seem interested in girls at the moment. Maybe he hates anyone who's involved with Shikamaru."

Kiba quickly turned around and pointed at the three. "Chouji said that?!" he questioned in a loud voice. Sai folded his arms over his chest and just looked at him with dull eyes. Haku avoided looking at him, fearing that Kiba might recognize his pretty face. Naruto cowered behind the two and raised his hands over his head for protection.

"Oh no, it's Kiba!" he squealed. "Protect me, Sai!"

Kiba's left eye twitched. "Geez, relax you weirdo. I'm not here to beat you up, again. Our business with you is over now -- just don't ever try to be wise with us anymore." he warned, then licked the palm of his hand and rubbed his cheek in irritation. "Ugh, stupid rash!" he groaned.

Naruto grinned. "Heh. Rash." he covered his mouth with his hands and snickered. Kiba huffed, his cheeks becoming red. "So anyway," he wiped his hands on his jacket. "Ino and Shikamaru are mates?!"

Sai shrugged. "I guess so, unless Chouji lied; but I doubt he'd be lying about this."

Kiba boldly approached the three and examined each of their faces. He stopped to stare at Haku for a while but shrugged it off. Haku sighed in relief, happy that Kiba didn't recognize his face.

"Well, I don't care anymore. Shikamaru can go out with whoever he likes." he snorted and cleared his voice. "So do any of you know Haruka Kamui?" he quickly changed the subject. Sai and Naruto exchanged glances and looked at Haku who kept his head down. "That's Haku's cousin" Sai exclaimed. "From his mother's side."

Kiba's eyes lit up. "Set me up with her next time, Haku!" he gave him a thumbs up and waved good bye. "I'll catch you guys later!"

The three watched Kiba walk down the hall. Sasuke appeared coming from the west corridor. "Hey, Sasuke!" Kiba greeted with a grin, and scratched his cheeks briefly. Sasuke arched a brow. "You were talking to Naruto?" he questioned suspiciously.

Kiba shook his head in excitement. "Hey, did you hear what Chouji said about Shikamaru's girlfriend?" he asked, changing the subject. Sasuke cocked his head to the side. "Shikamaru's girlfriend? Who's that?"

"I heard that Chouji hooked Naruto up with some information about all the students here; told em' that Ino was Shika's mate. Then he said that Ino was ugly. Can you believe that?" he howled in delight. Sasuke arched a brow. "But didn't you say that you were attracted-"

"Nah, it's ok." Kiba waved his hand in the air. " I met Haruka earlier today. She's a beautiful breed." he sighed in contentment and walked down the hall. Sasuke looked back and glared at Naruto before following Kiba. "Is Haruka another dog?"

Kiba shook his head and bared his teeth. "Haruka's a real person this time!" he exclaimed. Sasuke nodded with a sly smirk. "Sure, Kiba."

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Chouji sniffled and wiped the snot dripping down his nose as he raised his head from his desk. The bell for class had finally rung and lunch had ended. Their classmates calmly walked into class and took their seats until Sakura noticed that Chouji had been crying.

"Hm? Chouji, what happened?" she asked, feeling the need to comfort a fellow classmate. Chouji sniffed and let out a long, exasperated sigh. This immediately caught Shino's attention. "What's wrong, Chouji?" he asked, in that creepy, monotone voice. "He pussed out over a rumor that happened to start." Shikamaru replied, from across the room. Sakura glanced at each other and then turned to look at Shikamaru.

Chouji pounded the desk with his fist and stood up, pointing rudely at the lazy, smart-ass. "You ass-wipe! Just apologize to me and admit to all the wrong you've done to me!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. The other students stopped what they were doing and watched in silence.

"I'm not going to admit to something that I haven't even done!" Shikamaru shouted back, slapping his left palm with the back of his right hand. "Stop freaking out over something so stupid!"

"Stupid? _Stupid_?!" Chouji growled and flipped his desk aside. "I've done nothing to you, Shikamaru! Why have you done something so cruel to me?!" he demanded an answer.

"WHAT RUMOR DID I SPREAD ANYWAY?!"

"YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT I SNUCK INTO THE SCHOOL'S FREEZER AND ATE ALL THE PUDDING!"

"THAT WASN'T EVEN A RUMOR! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT IT'S TRUE!"

"BUT EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT IT UNTIL **YOU** BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT THIS ONTO YOURSELF!"

"IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT ANYWAY!"

"Children, children!" Shizune raised her hands, gesturing them to lower their voices. "Settle down, everyone." her voice was hoarse and wavering. She'd usually never have to raise her voice over her class.

"You and me, Nara." Chouji pointed rudely at his new enemy. "After school tomorrow. Wait for your pain." he said in a gruff voice.

"DAMN IT." Was all Shikamaru could say as he buried his face into the palm of his right hand.

"Totally awesome." Naruto whispered to himself in a low, mischievous voice as he stood looking inside the classroom from behind a creak in the doorway. Then looked over to his right; Sai and Haku were already busy spreading another propaganda.

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A/N: Here's chapter 5. Hope you enjoyed it. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. It would help out a lot so I can continue to write this fic knowing that people are actually enjoying it (: I just realized that Haku, Sai, and Naruto are conniving little brats haha. Also, Shikamaru pwns Naruto. He's just so awesome.


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